I declared the 2014 as the year to tie up all of my loose ends. I have so many things I need to finish. I mean desperately finish. Thanks to a
kick in the butt pep talk from Dr. Isis, my first priority is my research writing. All other writing tasks are secondary - that includes blogging. Though blogging is very much a professional (and personally satisfying) activity for me, she is correct in assessing that I've been putting my first energies into extra-curricular writing and presentations. I need to shore up my the academic subtitles of my CV; and this year and this time is the time to do it.
So, that's what I have been up to. Well to be painfully honest, I haven't gotten much work done since I left Oklahoma last month -- a few days before Christmas. I was exhausted and just wanted to rest and sleep and see my family and friends. I did; and it was just what I needed. Then I sat down trying to get my thoughts together and hammer out a manuscript and I was stuck - seriously.
I have a re-occurring dream or rather a re-occurring scenario in multiple dreams. I have had it for years, since my childhood. I'm walking along, walking, walking, walking and I begin to climb - stairs, incline, a road, a trial whatever - and suddenly the trail/road gets narrow. I notice it but keep on going. The rails or banisters suddenly fade away. I slow my pace but continue. Then suddenly the path I itself becomes slanted such that any clumsy-move on my part and I could go tumbling down the hillside/mountainside/embankment. I try to make a step. I lift my leg but my foot just won't move, can't move. I am paralyzed. I can't go forward or back.
I can't breathe and all of my insides are trembling with fear; my legs get shaky. In my family, we call that feeling tritchering. I'm not sure it's a real word but it is a real feeling.
I am stuck. I am afraid but I need to move either forward or backward but nothing happens. Only awaking or re-booting with a new dream can halt it.
I was en route to something and I just don't make it. This is also a re-occurring theme in my dreams. I'm headed somewhere and something ALWAYS diverts my attention on my way. I end of waking up tired and confused and unfulfilled.
I want so desperately to just keep on going, reach the peak or perhaps even bound from the side of the mountain and just feel the exhilaration of the wind and beauty of the view. But I can't move at all. And then I restart the dream all over again - with some slight changes in scenery.
It doesn't take a fancy-pants meta-physics degree to read these dreams. I am afraid getting things done and I am the only one in my own way.
I am in the middle of bad dream. I so badly need to do academic writing and get ALL of my research projects written up. I want to get them done. I'm ready for it and I have the time to do it, finally. I don't have any pressing research data to collect or meetings to attend. Neither am I worried about my finances. It's like I'm on my own post-doctoral research sabbatical - moving between institutions.
So what's my problem? How can I push past this anxiety and fear and paralysis?