ADVERTISEMENT
  About the SA Blog Network













Cross-Check

Cross-Check


Critical views of science in the news
Cross-Check Home

Obama and Putin Agree to Seek End of War

The views expressed are those of the author and are not necessarily those of Scientific American.


Email   PrintPrint



Vladimir Putin and Barack Obama have agreed to a plan to end war, according to a recording of a conversation between the two Presidents recently made available to “Cross-check” by the hacker collective Anonymous.

Peace pact agreed upon by Presidents Putin and Obama involves destroying their nuclear arsenals and submitting international disputes to the World Court. Credit: Reuters/Jason Reed/Files.

The conversation took place last week, when Putin called Obama to discuss Russia’s actions in Ukraine. Putin said, “Barack, here is deal. I will pull Russian troops from Crimea when you pull Americans troops out of Afghanistan.”

Obama: “Done.”

Putin: “And stop assassinating people with drones.”

Obama: “Done.”

Putin, chuckling: “You are funny man, Barack.”

Obama: “I’m not joking, Vladimir. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this whole war thing. Michelle and my kids have been giving me hell about all the women and kids killed under my watch. Then Michelle gave me this little book, called The End of War, about how ending war between nations is possible. My first reaction was, ‘Come on.’ I mean, right? Then I thought, ‘Heck, why not? Maybe it’s time for world peace.’ I mean, I am the Hope President.”

Putin: “You waste my time with silliness.”

Obama: “I’m dead serious, Vladimir! I’m sick of getting hammered by all the bleeding hearts. Including my own wife! And I know you hate peoples’ perception of you as this Neanderthal bully. You want everybody to see you’re really a sophisticated, modern man of diplomacy and peace. So this is your chance! Our chance! If we pull this off, we’d be the two greatest leaders in history! The guys who finally ended the terrible scourge of war!”

Putin: “Okay. You start by ending American military empire. Shut down bases in Japan, Germany, Turkey, Cuba…”

Obama: “You got it!”

Putin: “Kosovo, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Philippines…”

Obama: “I know where our bases are, Vladimir. Those bases are friggin’ expensive. It’ll be a relief to shut ‘em down. I’ll also stop all our foreign arms sales and military aid, if you do the same. We only give other countries non-military aid from now on, for improving health care and transportation and stuff like that. And instead of trying to kill terrorists, we’ll just pay them to stop being a pain in the ass. It’ll be a lot cheaper and easier. If we do this right, everyone will love us! No one will want to be a terrorist any more!”

Putin: “I’m sure your Republicans will love your idea.”

Obama: “You’d be surprised. I don’t think it’ll be that hard to convince the fiscal and religious conservatives that this is the right thing to do. And I’m a second term President! I have nothing to lose!”

Putin: “Holy Mother. I start to think you are not making joke. What about China? What about Israel, Syria…”

Obama: “Yup, yup. I’ll talk to Israel and the Palestinians and get them on board. They’re sick and tired of fighting. You talk to Assad, the Iranians, North Koreans, you know, your people. My NATO allies will be easy to convince. We’ll both talk to China. Listen, even the toughest leaders always say they want peace. So let’s call them on it! Let’s give them a peace plan they can’t refuse! To show everyone we mean business, you and I promise to get rid of all our nukes by the end of this year.”

Putin: “How do I know…”

Obama: “Ahead of you. We both agree to total transparency, for verification. Inspections anywhere, any time, on demand. And we agree to submit all our disputes with other nations to the World Court. You lead the way, by pulling your troops out of Crimea and letting the World Court decide the whole Ukraine thing. And Chechnya, too.”

Putin, “[Unintelligible]… Chechnya!”

Obama: “Think of the money we’ll save with conflict resolution! The stress we’ll avoid! So what do you think Vladimir? How’d you like to end war with me?”

Putin, long pause. “You say this is my idea, and you have deal. You already have Nobel Prize. I want one, all by myself.”

Obama: “What!! You KGB bast-…! Okay, fine, Vladimir. I’ll say it was your idea.”

Postscript: Happy April Fools Day!

About the Author: Every week, hockey-playing science writer John Horgan takes a puckish, provocative look at breaking science. A teacher at Stevens Institute of Technology, Horgan is the author of four books, including The End of Science (Addison Wesley, 1996) and The End of War (McSweeney's, 2012). Follow on Twitter @Horganism.

The views expressed are those of the author and are not necessarily those of Scientific American.





Rights & Permissions

Comments 8 Comments

Add Comment
  1. 1. tuned 10:52 am 04/1/2014

    Did anyone ask the Taliban?
    Maybe they’ll bring the peace pipe.

    Link to this
  2. 2. M Tucker 11:45 am 04/1/2014

    What You are so stuck on this “end of war” meme, it is going round and round in your head like a song you can’t get rid of. You are so fixated that you now think it is a good topic for an April Fools post.

    It is not humorous to me and really indicates a trivializing of the issue.

    Link to this
  3. 3. rshoff2 12:03 pm 04/1/2014

    But wouldn’t it be great if it were true. Humor and Ridicule is sometimes a powerful tool. Isn’t it laughable how humanity is hell bent on destroying itself? I think it’s worth doubling over in a deep belly laugh to see how absolutely pitiful and ridiculous we are to pursue war when there are other options available. I only hope that some civilized life out there that is collectively shaking their heads as they watch us undo ourselves. We humans demonstrate daily that we do not really value human life regardless of what garbage spills out of people’s mouths. If we do not value human life, then how can we value the universe itself? We don’t.

    Link to this
  4. 4. BookSpine 7:19 pm 04/1/2014

    Yes, it would be great if it were true, but it’s not because it’s not.

    Link to this
  5. 5. gavin3050 8:21 pm 04/1/2014

    DONE! ITS ME, ALTERNATIVE PRESIDENT OF UNITED WORLD [APUW]. I:REPLACE THE UNITED NATIONS [UN] YEAR BY YEAR, 10% EACH YEAR, & II: EACH NATION ALSO REDUCES THEIR MILITARY BUDGET MILITARY BUDGET 10% EACH BY YEAR & III: INCREASE MY UW BUDGET BY $1/$10 OF NATIONAL FINANCING OF THE UN. I GRANT NO TAXES ON ANY CITIZEN OF UW.IV:ANYBODY WANT MORE. V: ALL I ASK FOR IS THEY GET MY SUPPORT BY APPOINTING THEM AS VOLUNTEER OFFICERS OF UW UNTIL THEIR FREE ELECTION (BY CITIZENS OF UW) AS A UW OFFICER [VIA "CONTACT US" ON: GHDAIII.CO.UK].
    BTW:FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS. DURING WHICH TIME, WE AGREE TO COLLABORATE TO SOLVE MOST OF THE WORLD’S CURRENT & FUTURE PROBLEMS:1) ESPECIALLY BY TERMINATING FINANCING WAR, 2)BY COLLECTING TAXES 3)TO FINANCE MAKING DEADLY WEAPONS & 4) KILLING PEOPLE 5)BY WAR.
    I AM TRULY SERIOUS.

    Link to this
  6. 6. BookSpine 6:29 am 04/2/2014

    … just as serious as other “no more war” proposals. :)

    Link to this
  7. 7. tuned 7:32 am 04/2/2014

    Ants cooperate better than anybody.
    They have wars.

    It would seem genetic removal of aggression may also doom the species?
    It’s a nice thought though.
    Have a nice day.

    Link to this
  8. 8. rshoff2 12:21 pm 04/2/2014

    @Tuned – since our comments seem to indicate that we agree humans have instinct for both conflict and cooperation, I ask why we can’t focus on the cooperation more and rely on conflict less as a viable solution? That seems that we have a choice, not a genetic mandate. We have the power to make choices, don’t we? At least that’s what everyone seems to say when the ‘free-will’ discussion pops up.

    Myself, I think that we have the capacity for both. I also think that our society is a reflection of our collective social/genetic makeup. Furthermore, I don’t believe in destiny but do believe in absolute predictability. Therefore, what ever comes to happen with the conflict/cooperation balance is already predictable. The forces that lead forward have already been put into play. I hope that cooperation wins out, but it’s not clear to me what will be.

    Link to this

Add a Comment
You must sign in or register as a ScientificAmerican.com member to submit a comment.

More from Scientific American

Scientific American Dinosaurs

Get Total Access to our Digital Anthology

1,200 Articles

Order Now - Just $39! >

X

Email this Article

X